AFTER A WHILE

"If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try." -Seth Godin

The quote mentioned above may either pertain to two things: first, that one time last week when my friend and I went to Quiapo for a shoot. Quiapo isn't exactly the safest place in Manila so taking out my camera felt like a huge risk. But it's usually the most photographed place as well, what with its busy market life. It's also where the truly religious people go to visit the Quiapo church. It basically teems with life of the common people and it's truly enjoyable for street photographers to be able to take photos of such a place.

Second, my current hunt for a good first job. After graduation, I felt like I needed to be more of an "adult" and try to do things on my own by immediately looking for work. When a month had passed and I found myself still staying at home, I wanted to scream. I realized that this is the reality of unemployment and I feel like I haven't even experienced the worst of it yet. But I continued to apply and, fortunately, a few companies have responded.

It's been about two months since I graduated from college, two months that I've been sending out applications and going to interviews. It's true; job hunting is hard, but to be honest, I no longer feel pressured like I used to about a month ago.

I found that it's hard to convince ourselves of a certain thought unless someone says it to us, that doing something that we're not familiar with is the one thing that we actually need to accomplish. During my perpetual anticipation of my potential first job, I gathered up a lot of thoughts about what I wanted to do and I realized that it's okay to put myself out there.

It's okay to try something new, to meet new people, to be in a new environment. While I initially learned this while being in college, it feels like I'm experiencing this for the first time again. A part of me wants to stay as I am, to do things according to my strengths, while the other part of me wants to step out of my comfort zone. It's quite daunting (for an introvert like me) but I want to welcome it.

Also, I've been told several times that it's alright for me to take a break, to take advantage of my "free time" since that concept will soon be gone in my life. I've been told that it's going to be okay. Period. And I believe that now.

...

I think the quote is about the first point. Definitely.

MESSY

For those of you who don't know, I recently just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in Journalism. Quite frankly, and I believe all eight thousand and one graduates from my school think the same, it still feels so surreal. I cannot believe that it has been four years of college education which consisted of unbelievable work piles and deadlines, uncontrollable anxiety attacks, mental and emotional (and occasionally physical) breakdowns, as well as pleasant lunch breaks with friends, #maturetalks, block jokes and puns, and many more.

It was one hell of an experience. It has only been a few days since we walked up the stage and were officially called "graduates" and I already miss everything: my school, my block, and my friends.  

I've been preparing myself for those "welcome to the real world" comments but I'm still in denial. The "real world" (which should be called the "adult world" because there's no such thing as a "fake world") sounds so scary that it makes me want to stay in bed and hide under my sheets. But, ah, one must survive by working hard for money. Curses.

But seriously though, I try my best to not be intimidated by "jobs" and other adult things. I want to gradually accept that this is a new chapter in my life that can change my world. I swear, if my high school student self could see me now, she'd probably be surprised.

In this new chapter, I would like to be able to be more "outgoing" (so many words inside quotation marks already in this post). I would also like to hone my skill in photography. Hopefully, I'll find the courage to go out of my comfort zone and just. talk. to. people. Introvert problems.

That's it for now, I guess. This blog has been a mess this senior year. Please accept another apology. I also hope I get to be more active here. I still enjoy leisure writing.

TWENTY FIFTEEN

A few days ago, I decided to clear my desk of unnecessary things and found my journal in one of the drawers. I started writing on it on January 1 and continued every day until May 15, simply because I had already grown lazy of manually writing entries. I then typed in everything else that happened in my life.

Reading my journal entries from the first half of the year made me realize how much things has changed for me. For one, I wrote in my very first entry that in 2015, I wanted to lose weight and shape my body into the way I desired it to be.

I almost did exactly that but my journey won't end this year. I have already lost 20 lbs. since August and am proud of myself for achieving so much within five months. My weight loss journey only included a diet. I tried to work out but a lot, as in a lot, happened that were related to academics that I didn't have time for it. I vowed to myself that I'll start the shaping part next year.

Another point was that I wanted to be better in photography. I'm not so sure with that part but I'm not so strict about it. This year, I believe I captured moments. I also resurrected my dying YouTube account by uploading video diaries. What I do know is that I haven't given up on it yet. I may have taken other hobbies but photography will surely be something that I'll hold on to. So I'll keep this point open until next year.

Lastly, I wrote there that I wanted to be happy. 2014 was a good year though--I had my ups and downs just like everybody else--but I wanted to be happier. That year, I was so anxious about a lot of things that before 2015 came, I put my foot down and told myself to get a grip.

The question is, was I happier this year?

Yes, yes I was.

I have so many things to be thankful for, so many people that I learned to love and appreciate, and did so many courageous things that my 2014 self would be afraid or jealous of. I embraced a part of me that I have kept hidden for a long time and I saw an image of myself that I don't even recognize anymore.

And it makes me happy that this year, I had actual control of my life without telling myself excuses that prevent me from doing the things that I wanted to do. I made myself kick out the fear and put myself out there. And I most definitely know that I matured, certain that my way of thinking has changed and that it's a good thing.

I know that all of this is just the beginning, that more wonders will come in 2016, and I am excited for whatever it is out there that's waiting for me.

Thank you, 2015, for being a great year!

For now, here's a collection of photos I have taken over the year.

EUNOIA

First things first, I feel like this space lacks a number of things, one of them being photos of my friends and other people around me. So I'm going to do that right now. Also, I haven't posted anything personal in here - by that, I mean writing down something that I have preserved as just a thought. I noticed that my recent entries have been about my travels and those aren't really what I mean by "personal".

To give you a technical update about my life, my blockmates and I went on a three-day retreat at Tagaytay. Back in high school, our retreats were mostly about spiritually enlightening ourselves, connecting with the God that we know and with each other. It was the same for this year's retreat, only, less with the enlightening part and more with the knowing about each individual part . . . at least, that's what it was for me.

I won't go into specifics about this one but the gist of it is that, on our first night, we all had to share something about ourselves according to the life graph that we were required to make. A life graph is basically a chart indicating which age your were happiest and which you were saddest.

This activity literally made us open ourselves to everyone we know, not forcefully though. It seemed like the perfect time to broadcast all of the heavy burden we've been carrying around for so long and I've had my fair share of that.

The thing about sadness, though, is that it's an inevitable feeling; one can't help feeling upset, even if it's about the little things like having a messy desk or running out of pen ink. But if there's one thing that I learned after watching Inside Out (the only Disney film that made me cry in the theaters)*, it's that we should never suppress our emotions.

When I was 17, I received an anonymous message via ask.fm which said such horrible things about me, ones that I prefer not to enumerate here. Just believe me when I say that I was bullied for the things that I wasn't sure I should have been guilty of. I didn't know why he (OR SHE) would randomly send me hate when I knew that I didn't do anything wrong. I felt terrible (who wouldn't be?) and on the night that I received that message, I couldn't sleep. I became depressed a few days after that. I'm not throwing that word out there just so I can use it ignorantly - I truly did feel horrible, physically and emotionally, and I started to hate myself more than I already have. 

I shared that story among my peers and, of course, I cried because I have never told anyone about it with without telling the other things that still internally hurt me.

After telling that incident, my friends hugged me. Everyone told me such kind things and I believed them because we were all in a safe and open zone. 'Beautiful' was such an overused word that day but it made my heart dance and I felt lighter.

I felt so loved during those past three days and it felt good that I loved everyone else the same. This distribution of happiness made me realize that if I didn't tell that particular story, it would always stay at the back of my mind, haunting me every now and then until I can drive myself insane. It taught me that sadness isn't something that we should avoid - it's something that we should acknowledge.

Being this honest sometimes scares me because I'm afraid that the incident will happen again, but being loved is such a good feeling. It truly is. I can't say anything else to elaborate on that because I know that it'll sound like an understatement.

For now, here are some post-processed filmy photos from our retreat (in no particular order).

*There are two things in particular here. First, yes, no Disney film has pulled me into tears before, not even Up or Toy Story 3. Second, I do not cry in the theaters. These are odd and irrelevant information but I just thought I'd mention them.